I’ve had eight hundred and eleventy-nine billion blog posts on my mind for
days weeks. They revolve around the issues of truth and beauty. Humanity and dignity. Truth and lie. Exhaustion and rest. Yet the pages of this blog and several open word documents have remained blank. Almost mocking me, daring me to write something. (Am I the only one who thinks their computer has a personality of its own? Yes… ok. Never mind, then…) But the well has been dry. Perhaps it’s the season I’m in. It’s a time of hustle, bustle and little rest. Even when I set aside time to slow down, it feels snatched from me in the form of a racing mind and an unsettled heart.
There is much to share on the subjects I listed above and regarding life in general. This journey I find myself on is currently grueling and intense. But it’s a learning time. It is a time of reminders regarding a kind word spoken, a foolish one held back and telling the unfruitful thoughts of my mind to cease. It is a paradoxical time where I feel like I’m learning everything and nothing all at once.
Apologies if that all sounds a bit vague. It’s not meant to. It’s just that this girl who can speak more words in day than most has found them wanting in the face of the uprooting of the heart. Pruning times are not for the faint of heart. But I suppose they’re also meant to show you just how faint the heart is.
As I take stock of being 30 and 1/2 and what this year has brought so far, I can’t say there’s much I regret. That’s not to say there still isn’t a wheelbarrow full of emotion to work through. There is. But there is something to the cliche “eating the elephant one bite at a time”. (Anyone want to remind me how big elephants are? I feel like I’ll be eating for a while…)
In contemplating the last six months, a pattern emerges. There are people my heart aches to see. There are words I desperately want to say. But I’m finding they don’t come easily. However, I am noting that as the words disappear, the tears come frequently and they drop like rain. (As does the snot, but that is another very gross story involving a lot of Kleenex.) Tears of joy and happiness. Tears of pain. Tears of reconciliation. Perhaps before my Lord, these are all the words I need right now.
Maybe this time is to again learn how to walk in the comfort those tears bring, so when the time comes, whatever time that is, the words will be there.