A Brief Journey

The thoughts below are from different times in my life. As I continue to walk the path before me, I find that occasional self evaluation is needed and healthy. One desire I have is to live a life that is as transparent as possible. Not only with people – but with myself. I am continually thankful that life is a journey. It is not over. His faithfulness is new every morning.

I once was lost…

A transition has been happening in me the last few years. Heart surgery that takes the stony heart and makes it soft. The things in my life I hold dear I am using as a cheap substitute. For love. For self-worth. For calling. It is easier to insert an object or a person or an ideal between me and Him rather than be face to face. So I live a lie. Happy in my complacency. Comfortable in my hypocrisy. Blinded by my own sense of self-righteousness.

I have been broken…

My heart has sustained storms. From relationship disappointments, to deaths of loved ones, and lost friends. Shattered by my own hand, foolishness and selfishness. At times it seems as if my heart has been broken in so many pieces that it’s been shaped back together and doesn’t really resemble my old heart. Just a new one that it’s in the correct shape. I’m not sure how to function. The tears come so swiftly I fear I will choke on them. My chest feels like it is being torn in two.

I am continually exposed…

The comforts about who I am have been stripped from me. Some times I feel like my eyes have been taken from me and I am grappling with a darkness that I cannot fathom. Confidence is a distant memory. Awkwardness is the new normal. There is an awareness of myself that makes me cringe. It does not induce strength. It makes me aware of my weakness. It reveals my lack of understanding. Yet I know I am not condemned.

I am being transformed…

When I glance back at my short life, I see His hand, guiding and present, though often not sensed. He has endured in my faithlessness. He has shown me what is good. His revelation tells me that He has known me before the foundations of the earth. Despite my frailty, He chooses to use me. I am His and He is mine. I have been bought with a price. And now it is time for me to understand the cost involved in living for Him. It is time to do what He requires of me and offer my whole self unto His winnowing hand. He has set His seal upon me. His love is my consuming fire.

I am free indeed…

Free from fear. Free from self. Free of others. Freedom to truly live. Freedom to be who I have been created to be. Freedom to love others fully and rightly – no matter their response. So, as it has been freely given to me, I turn and freely give…

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